I am a man that goes to the gym. My body is not a temple, but it does help you look and fuck better. I use a council gym, meaning that it smells of odours of the poor. Not long ago someone actually shit themselves there. The trail of human turd traversed across the tiled changing room floor like a hopscotch game gone horribly wrong. It only halted by somehow climbing the wall by the end shower. A yellow cone bearing a false announcement was the extent of the clean up for an hour. The floor may well have been slippery, but nowhere on that bright yellow warning did it mention shit. I returned the following day. The floor was clean but the wall by the shower still held the marks of a revolting accident. Every time that I visit a cubicle I find myself wiping piss off the seat or flushing other peoples shit.
Sadly it’s not just the changing rooms that are full of shit. The gym displays it in male form. There is something about the gym environment that brings out the inner tosser of a man. Maybe it’s the overwhelming presence of testosterone? Maybe it’s the mirrors? But whatever it is I constantly find myself methodically working my way around machines looking at men and thinking ‘what a tosser!’
There are several behavioural traits I have witnessed that cause me to have this reaction:
- THE PERVERTED “HELPERS” – Some men seem to think the gym as the ideal location to pick up women. The presence of an attractive female walking past seems to have a domino effect of men being able to lift an inhuman amount of weight, albeit only for half a rep. Male eyes collectively follow the peachy female ass, before turning to their mate (or a stranger) and nodding in a manner that says, ‘I would wreck that.’ This behaviour of course is quite acceptable, it is when man purposefully interrupts a female workout to “assist” that it isn’t. I have seen countless men in my gym stop girls mid workout to inform that they ‘are doing it wrong’ or ‘you should do it like this.’ Not content with verbal instruction they will then stand behind the girl and manually assist them with their movement. It’s the classic pub scene, of man teaching woman how to hold a pool cue, except this kind of carry on has no business in a fucking public gym. I have yet to see one girl benefit or enjoy this type of hands on assistance. Usually the female in question will cut her routine short, offer a weak yet polite thank you, and disperse to the opposite side of the gym to finish her session uninterrupted. Of course there is a place for perversion in the gym. I often glare and reproduce filthy thoughts, but I do so in silence and keep it to myself. Do not be so open in your perversion. – TOSSERS.
- THE POSERS – It still surprises me the arrogance of some men. If you’re in a gym there is probably a slight chance that you are quite arrogant anyway, but to have the audacity to flex your muscles in front of a public mirror for two minutes flat is something else. It’s ok to look at yourself and watch your muscles bulging as you are working out. It’s even ok to look at your impressive naked body in the mirror as soon as you get to the privacy of your own home. But to hold your bicep in the ‘swan’ pose, in front of forty plus people, without trying to be sneaky or discreet is scandalous. The worst culprits are those that do twenty sit up’s before lifting their t-shirts in front of the mirror to see if they have magically sculpted a six pack. – TOSSERS.
- THE NOISEY – Ok, yep, you’re in a gym we know you’re lifting weights. There is no need to draw attention to yourself by grunting like a hungry Neanderthal. You’re not a professional weight lifter so stop pretending that you are. I know that you’re only doing it because you want us to see how much you are lifting, I know because your eyes dart around the room afterwards, hoping to engage someone in conversation about how strong you are. I can strain in silence, my face might contort, but I don’t sound like I’m shitting out a cactus. These are the type of cunts that also grunt during sex. Sometimes the grunt isn’t enough, or they haven’t quite worked their way up to the confidence levels of the grunter, so instead decide to drop their weights to the floor rather than place them down in a controlled manner. This really pisses me off. The huge thud is designed to say ‘everyone look how much I am lifting’ when in actual fact all it says is, ‘these weights are way too fucking heavy for me.’ – TOSSERS.
- FUCKING TEENAGERS – That’s the problem with using a council gym you get fucking teenagers there. Teenagers haven’t got the self motivation to work out by themselves so do so in gangs. They hang around equipment in groups of four or five for half an hour so nobody else can use it. Then they don’t even use the equipment properly. Many a time I have seen boys stab the pin into the heaviest weight possible and instead of trying to lift it they hang from the machine, with all their body mass, like a fucking monkey. Worst of all they think they are cage fighters and walk around jabbing each other on the arm or pretending to kick each other in the face. Yeah great work out, fuck off. – TOSSERS.
- THOSE THAT DO FUCK ALL – Some men use the gym to socialise. Clearly not having a friend set of their own they prowl the gym looking to make eye contact with someone. A bit like the ‘perverted helpers’ from point one, they often prey on those they don’t think are performing the exercise correctly. Gaining your attention they will tell you how it should be done, or how they do it themselves to gain maximum benefit. The strange thing however is that you never actually see these men practicing what they preach. They read articles in ‘Mens Health’ magazine and talk a good game, but are there to chat rather than exercise. There is one guy I regularly see telling gym users to lift lighter weights, because ‘it is more important to get the full range of movement rather than doing half a job with twice the weight.’ To a degree he may be right, but who wants to listen to a pot bellied man that has splashed a bit of water on his t-shirt to give the impression of a hard work out. He hasn’t tried talking to me yet, but that’s because my eyes say ‘fuck off’ whenever he is near. Mobile phones are also supposed to be banned from the gym, but everybody brings one with them, because cunts in this day in age can’t live without them. It pisses me off greatly when a man is on the machine you want to use, but is sat there talking on his phone. You gesture in a manner that suggests you are waiting to use it, to which he lowers the phone to say, ‘I’m still using it mate.’ No you’re not, you’re on the phone you absolute twat. There is also a geeky guy in my gym that brings a book with him. He sits on the leg extension and does one rep every eight minutes whilst constantly glued to a book most probably about fucking wizards. If you’re not using the gym get the fuck out. – TOSSERS.
- GLOVES – C’mon. If you’re a professional, or Michael Jackson, I can understand the use of gloves, but at this level piss off. Gloves for the average gym user are simply placebos; they’re not really going to make that much difference when you’re stuck at 45kgs. Besides you’re in the gym, you probably fancy yourself as a bit of a tough nut so put the gloves down. You’ve got calluses on your hands because you wank too much – TOSSERS.
As I write this I realise that when I go to the gym I can be seen wearing very short vintage Boca Junior shorts and a blue bandana wrapped around my head. Often I also wear pink leopard skin socks. Gym users probably look at me and think that I am the tosser. Well they are quite wrong… I am not one of the above.
'Life's a shit and so am I' 